Subject: The Invention of Beer
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of
the wheel, and the invention of beer. The wheel was invented to get
man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and
together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two
distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered it required grain, and that was the beginning
of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can were
invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around
waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the
brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is
known as "the Conservative movement."
Other men, who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to
live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and
doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning
of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved
into women. The rest became known as 'girliemen.'
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of
cats, the invention of group therapy and the concept of Democratic
voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives
provided.
Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are
symbolized by the jackass.
Modern Liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer
white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish, but like
their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard
liberal fare. Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of
their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most
social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in
Hollywood and group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the
designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher
also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still
provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo
cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors,
police officers, corporate executives, Marines, athletes and generally
anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire
other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the
producers and decide how to redistribute the production. Liberals
believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why
most of the liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming
to America. They crept in later, after the Wild West was tamed, and
created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to respond
to the above before simply laughing and forwarding it. A Conservative
will be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it
will be forwarded immediately!
